Saturday, January 29, 2011

Work, Writing, House, Kiddo: Or, Three Jobs and a Baby

In the spirit of my recent "what was I thinking" theme, here's a list of all the things I didn't realize would happen when I decided that simultaneously working two jobs and becoming a new mom would be easy.

New working moms may experience one - or more likely, all - of the following:

1.Between you, the jobs, and the baby, someone isn't getting a bath. Most often, it's you.

2.You will eat anything that's put in front of you, as long as it doesn't have tentacles and isn't moving.

3. Actually, edit #2. You will eat anything that's put in front of you. Period.

4.Because of #2 and #3, you will remain fat. In all the wrong places.

5.Because of #4, someone will inevitably ask, "Have you had that baby yet?" You will have to decide between answering, "Yeah, three months ago (jackass)" and stabbing that person in the eye with a fork.

6. While we're on that topic, you will sometimes feel wildly emotional. This will cause you to use a lot of exclamation marks in your writing. Please remove them! Yay!!

7. While feeling wildly emotional, do not decide that it's time to finally shop for a new pair of "button" (i.e. not maternity) jeans. This experience will nearly kill you, and may leave you crying like a six year old in a Target dressing room.

8. The same goes for the first time you wear those jeans. You may or may not feel like the equivalent of a rhino in a leotard.

9. After that moment, you come to a new low. Remember making fun of your mother and grandmother for the industrial body armor they insisted on wearing under their clothes? You now own, like, four sets.

10. But you know what? The baby is always worth it. Even when he craps all over you. Which he will.

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